I just had the pleasure of finishing Dr. David Simonsen’s
book, Relationship Reconnected (Rockridge Press, 2019). Full disclosure:
Dr. Simonsen and I have been acquainted for about fifteen years.
The book is a practical walk-through of a specific conversation
technique that encourages couples to communicate, rather than fight, about
disagreements.
Dr. Simonsen uses the work of psychologist Marshall
Rosenberg called, “Non-Violent Communication” (NVC). The technique title seems
off-putting (“violent?!”), but Simonsen clarifies this: communication that does
no violence to the relationship of the people communicating. Dr. Simonsen then
applies the ideas and techniques of NVC (applicable to any relationship)
specifically to couples in a family setting.
Credibility is established for Dr. Simonsen’s expertise and
motivation – and he sets a stage of communication dysfunction that the reader
may recognize in their own life. What is it like to be in a relationship where communication
has broken down? How did the relationship get there? Is there hope for
improvement? What is the cost? As Simonsen sets this stage, he states one of
his most fascinating notions: the difference between emotion (our reaction)
and our feelings (what we perceive the situation).
The technique of NVC involves simple-to-name, but (as Dr.
Simonsen fully admits) hard to do, ‘steps.’ These include:
1.
Observe the Facts – re-cast
your perception of what your partner is doing or saying in neutral terms. Pay
attention to the situation; strive to focus on the objective facts – get the
facts straight. Tamp down on the reactive emotion you are tempted to experience.
Be present, keep judgment out, and stay in the moment.
2.
Identify your Feelings – introspectively
recognize what you are feeling. In this step, stay focused on
your own feelings, not what your partner is doing using “I” language.
3.
Name your Needs – we all
have needs, and recognizing those needs is important to understand your feelings.
This is where Dr. Simonsen’s experience as a counselor comes through – and where
this book’s place as a tool to be used with an insightful counselor becomes
obvious. Getting through this stage can be difficult and, seems to me, best
done with the perspective of another gracious and mature helper.
4.
Make the Ask – request that
your need be met by your partner. Simonsen makes the helpful condition of
asking what you want your partner to do, don’t ask them to not do
something. A good ask isn’t about making a demand (“You should …”), but a request.
To do this step right, it seems essential that the hard work of the previous
three steps are done so you do not merely state your position, but actually address
your interests.
As I mentioned, I particularly liked the brief discussion on
the distinction between “emotion” and “feelings;” which seemed an important
insight. The specific and practical application of NVC to the arena of couples’
conflict is well-done and accessible. The ready acknowledgment of the initial
awkwardness of the NVC steps was refreshing and encouraging. I specifically
appreciated Dr. Simonsen’s brief explanations as to why each step is important
and contributes to better communication.
I would have enjoyed (perhaps another book?) more on the distinction between “emotion” and “feelings;” and especially how to keep that
reactive, reactionary emotion in check in the heat of a conflict. Also, it seems
to me that it would have been helpful to include some discussion of roadblocks
to get through a particular step – what if I just can’t get a grip on my
true needs; what then?
However, I recommend the book to couples who want to get out
of the rut of destructive and non-productive communication. This book can be a
helpful tool to that end. I strongly suggest that couples also use this book in
partnership with a competent counselor.
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