Over the last several years, I have watched
people as they relate to “family.” By the word in quotes, you can expect that
there is much more to this word than a simple definition implies. There is
biological family, there are blended families, there are relationships that are
more familial than technical family, and there is family as metaphor for
intimate relationships, in general.
The Christian faith has a high view of the
metaphorical “family.” We (I am aware of the presumption being made that I
speak for all of Christianity!) speak respectfully and intensely about the
importance of ‘the family of God.’ Both Jesus and his appointed successors used
the term “brother” and “sister” with ease. And this was not as odd to the Roman
culture at the time as you might suppose. There was a long cultural notion that
everyone in a family is adopted in – no matter if you were blood or not. To be
in the family was an active moment, not an accident of birth (as we tend to
think of it).
Just to clarify, “Idolatry” (which I use in the
title) is not merely an old-fashioned word. It is a very current issue, though
most people do not use the term. “Idolatry” is the practice of placing anything
above, or beside, God’s rightful place. For example, as only God is worthy of
worship, worshipping a golden statue that is supposed to represent God is
idolatry. As the idea was further developed in Christian scripture, idolatry
was living as if anything (money, relationships, ambitions, possessions,
desires, and so forth) was greater than God himself.
Speaking of relationships, let’s bring in
“family.” Jesus himself seemed ambivalent about blood relationships. For those
unfamiliar with Jesus’ story, the episode where he states that he values God’s
spiritual family over his blood relatives is startling. The episode can be
found in Matthew 12:46-50.
Yet Jesus valued his blood relatives and this
is clearly shown in the interaction that he had with the Apostle John regarding
Jesus’ mother, Mary. Essentially, assuring that Mary would be taken care of,
Jesus seems to give her to John as his ward. You can find this interaction in
John 19:26-27.
What is striking is that
Jesus did not share the – dare I say it? – obsession with family that seems to
have gained so much currency in the last few decades. The evangelical Christian
movement has – rightly – recognized both the importance of family for society,
as well as the actual decline of family, and has worked hard to strengthen
family, marriage, and even sexual morality. And this is important – I
personally am highly committed and invested in this work and share the
movement’s aspirations.
However … there is a dark
side to “family.” Family can become an idol, even and especially in the church.
I remember attending an event for a Christian family close to us and listening
to one of the children state publically, “We need to do everything we can to
keep our family close. After all, family is everything!”
And that is where I
respectfully and lovingly disagree. As a Christian, nothing is to displace
God’s supremacy and centrality in our lives. The whole epistle to the Colossians
can be summed up with the text, “Jesus is all.” If you are willing to sacrifice
everything, literally everything, for the sake of family, then you are making a
religious statement and engaging in the activity of worship. And the god is
your family.
This is wrong.
Just to play with this
more; what about churches who are very up front about being “Family Oriented,”
or even “Family Centered?” As Jesus followers, aren’t we supposed to be
Jesus-oriented or Jesus-centered?
OK, OK – I get it. I really
do. Churches that are ‘family-oriented’ are not really displacing God with
family loyalty. Are they? I hope not, but this is not always clear.
Christianity is
occasionally not “family friendly.” Again, Jesus was not endorsing “blood is
thicker than water” (nor the guru-esq ‘love, peace, tranquility’ stereotype)
when he said: “Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell
you, but rather division… father against son … mother against daughter ….”
(Luke 12:51-53).
It seems to me that Jesus
preached a strong message, generally, against ‘fleshly,’ ‘worldly,’ and
‘established’ loyalties. In the case of family, Jesus seemed to say that if
your blood family is contrary to God, you need to turn from them and toward
God. This is, in practice, a Very Hard Thing for many people. Many people
struggle to take Jesus at his word because they are so engrained into what they
have always been told (and have come to believe) that “(Blood) Family is
everything.”
But that is not a Christian
notion. That is idolatry.
Where I have seen the pain
of this counterfeit thinking is when a family abuses one of its members, but
they will not seek help from loving, gracious, and mature Brothers or Sisters
in Christ because, “we have to keep this in the family.”
BTW, this extends further,
“Christian” or “spiritual” or “church” family is not everything, either. There
can be idolatry in placing church above God – oh, yes, this happens a lot. In
the Bible, there are times when people, deluding themselves into thinking they were
serving God before family, actually disobeyed God by not living up to their
family responsibilities (Mark 7:10-13; 1Timothy 5:8). And, of course there is
the abuse that church family can heap on one of its members (I’m not talking
about loving corrective discipline, I’m talking about clear abusive behavior).
That is failure and sin.
At the end of this, my
point is that God values natural families, but not above the healthy
relationship we should all have with him. And for many, it is important to
recognize that one’s spiritual family should overtake one’s loyalty to their
natural family.
